For National Foster Care Day, single dad shares his story: 'I gain more than I have given'

More than 600,000 children move through the U.S. foster care system in a single year, according to the most recent numbers from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Children's Bureau.

The need is great, 50-year-old single foster dad Peter Mutabazi told USA TODAY, and right in our backyard.

Mutabazi, who lives in North Carolina with his three adopted children, has an incredible story and message for those considering opening their home to a child in need.

"Most Americans say, 'well, I won't foster because I'll be so attached and then I'll have to give them up.' Well, it's not about you," Mutabazi shared on Friday, days before National Foster Care Day, which is marked annually on the first Tuesday of May. "The kids, to them it's life and death."

Mutabazi knows exactly how it feels to have a family, but live as an orphan. At 10-years-old, he ran away from home to live on the streets of Kampala, Uganda because it was safer there than with his parents. Mutabazi lived by a bus stop garbage dump near a market where he would steal food to survive until one of the men he was going to rob asked him a question that changed his life.

'What is your name?'

"In all my years living on the streets, no one had ever asked me my name," Mutabazi writes in his book "Now I Am Known," released in 2022.

"Anonymity helped me forget myself and remain calloused, detached," he shared in the book. "On the other hand, something about the way this short man asked my name stirred up an unfamiliar hope inside me."

The man who asked Mutabazi his name would keep coming back to the market to find him, little by little offering more connection, like an invitation to a family dinner and the opportunity to go to school that eventually brought Mutabazi to the States.

"I see the best in kids in the worst time possible for them because that is how this man saw me," Mutabazi said. "I was trying to steal from him, but he didn't see a thief. He saw a kid with potential."

Mutabazi sees himself in his kids

Mutabazi shared how his story helps him connect to the children coming through his home.

"Having lived unwanted, unloved, seen as the worst of all in society, and overcoming that really helps me to see my kids the same way," Mutabazi shared. "I was seen as a thief, dirty little boy who didn't matter in life. I feel sometimes in foster care that is how the kids feel. My mom doesn't want me. I've been in seven homes, and no one wants me. It really helps me understand where they're coming from. I understand the trauma they have."

And Mutabazi has a sweet method to help children through those traumatic experiences, which he wrote about in his book.

When an adoptive or foster child is struggling and has shut him out, Mutabazi makes sure the family dog is there with them for comfort, but also to remind them they are wanted. Around the dog's neck is a bandana with these words:

You matter. You belong. You are loved. You are seen. You are chosen. You are a gift. You are not alone. You are enough. You are heard. You are brave. You are special. You are known.

'I love you that way'

In Mutabazi's many years of fostering, he also learned to let go of expectations and offer grace to children who are acting out or being destructive.

"They didn't choose to come to my home so for me to somehow expect they should respect my things, they should be thankful ... they didn't choose to come there," Mutabazi shared. "I have to be there for my kids by removing myself. I can't make it about me because I will lose why I am doing what I'm doing."

When a child puts a hole in the wall, Mutabazi takes that child to go pick out art that they like to cover it. When there is any other form of destruction because a child is trying to cope or self-protect, Mutabazi works on creative ways to ensure that child feels safe.

"I don't want my kids to feel ashamed for the things that they do that are weird. For me, I'm like, I love you that way. It takes the pressure off them to perform," Mutabazi shared.

"I don't want my children to be what I want them to be. I gotta let them be who they are. That is the greatest need."

Biological parents matter, too

Three in five kids are reunited with their parents after spending time in foster care, according to HHS, but even when it's clear a child will not be going home, Mutabazi works to ensure the relationship with that child's parents can be as whole as possible.

"I understand their bio parents so well because I feel my mother was the same way. She was mistreated and abused in every way shape and form there was. No way she could protect me. She didn't have the power to do so," Mutabazi shared.

"I have empathy towards their parents. The desire to know (the kids') parents and see them as human beings rather than the villains has really helped me," he said, adding that he'd like to see those relationships repaired.

"We find ways to include them in what we do every day," said Mutabazi.

The toughest part of single fatherhood

Mutabazi, who has fostered 41 children, said the toughest part about fostering is the single parenting.

"As a male, I always thought I'd be judged as a dad. And most of my kids don't look like me," Mutabazi shared. He has had the police called on him and has been asked to show proof that he is his kids' father.

"That was the most scary ... others saying, 'Are you worthy to be a parent? You are not good enough.'" he shared. "The hardest part was the judgment outside and the loneliness that comes with it."

"Sometimes we single parents are undervalued, but our kids don't care" Mutabazi said. "Both parents, one parent, we have an opportunity to change someone's life. As you're getting older, as you wait, you can actually be a parent to someone."

Mutabazi's work in foster care

Alongside fostering, Peter runs his foundation: Now I Am Known. One of the most rewarding projects it takes on is room makeovers for teens coming into a new home, he said.

"They never feel they belong or feel it's their home," Mutabazi shared. The room makeovers seek to restore dignity to these kids by allowing them to choose what they want, down to the paint colors, Mutabazi said. The project currently only extends to families in North Carolina.

Mutabazi has a children's book in the works and a parenting book slated to drop in July 2025. You can follow his parenting journey on Instagram at @fosterdadflipper and keep up with his coming and goings from his website.

Mutabazi said his children gave him a purpose that he didn't know was possible.

"I realize that sometimes I gain more than I have given," Mutabazi said.